Bad News

Before Claire was born, I had a miscarriage - you can read about it here. Unfortunately, my doctor has confirmed that another miscarriage is eminent. I would be 7 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling exhausted, sleeping terribly, and everything tasted weird. Then, I cried when my new oven didn't fit perfectly into my kitchen. So, I thought it was time to take a pregnancy test (we had been trying, so I knew it was a possibility). The test was positive and we were ecstatic. I was exactly 4 weeks along.

Three days later, I woke up and all the symptoms were gone. I knew immediately that this pregnancy would not end with a baby. I waited two days to be sure the symptoms were really gone, then I called the doctor. She did some blood tests and said my progesterone levels were borderline. Progesterone is a "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" kind of hormone. Low progesterone can cause miscarriage, but miscarriage also lowers progesterone. My HCG levels were rising (though not as high as they should be), so my doctor put me on progesterone supplements just in case it was causing problems rather than it being just a symptom of impending miscarriage. We scheduled an ultrasound for 6 week.

At the ultrasound, they found a gestational sac measuring 4 weeks, 2 days (exactly the time when my symptoms disappeared). There was no baby and no heartbeat visible. To me, that was confirmation of what I already knew. But the doctor said that it was possible my dates were just off (maybe I was only 4 weeks along, not 6), so she wasn't ready to diagnose a miscarriage just yet. I knew the dates couldn't be that off -  there's no way I could have had a positive pregnancy test only 2 days after conception. Still, she said she would take more blood, but probably wouldn't officially diagnose me until the 8 week ultrasound. Two more weeks in limbo sounded like torture for me, so I prayed for a decisive answer from the blood tests.

It came. My first blood test this week showed that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels took 9 days to double (it should only take 2-3 days). My doctor was still not ready to confirm a miscarriage, so she took another blood test two days later. This time, my levels dropped. That made it official, and the miscarriage diagnosis was issued. Honestly, it just felt like a relief to have a decisive answer. I had no desire to wait two more weeks for the bad news I already knew was coming. My first miscarriage dragged on for weeks and I didn't want to re-visit that experience.

I'm amazed at how this miscarriage feels so different from my first one. My first one was devastating, earth-shattering, unbearable emotional pain. This time, I feel sad and disappointed, but my world isn't crashing down around me. Maybe it's because I didn't really have time to get attached to the pregnancy before I knew it was going to end. Maybe it's because I already have a beautiful little girl to love and tickle and focus all my energy on. Or maybe it's because I lived this story before and I know how it ends - you move forward, you try again, and you (hopefully) get a precious baby who is exactly the perfect child for you to parent. You can't even imagine life without them and every hardship you overcame to get that baby feels like nothing compared to the joy and love you feel when you hold your child.

I don't mean to sound unfeeling about this miscarriage. I really am sad that we have lost another baby, but I know I can't control this. I know I don't want to fall into the dark place I was in after the last miscarriage. All I can do is walk forward and hope this is all over quickly so that we can move on to happier times.

Really, this miscarriage just feels like part of the journey toward the family I'm supposed to have, and I'm just trying to trust God with this right now. Maybe I'll feel differently when I experience the actual, physical loss of the pregnancy, but I hope I will keep this sense of peace and faith in God's future blessings for us.

Claire is Growing Up

This post is probably more for my own personal records. I just wanted to write a quick "snapshot" of what Claire is like these days. It may be a little boring for anyone who isn't immediate family, but I hope you'll indulge me. I want to be able to look back on this some day and remember what my little girl was doing when she was two.

I'll start with a quick potty training update. We are (mostly) back on track with the potty training, although there are still occasional accidents. She's moved to the big potty, which means I don't have a floor potty to clean out every time she goes - hooray! She will usually go on her own without any prompting and really doesn't need my help until it's time to wipe and wash hands. She can pull off her own pants. For some reason, she still prefers to be totally naked for the potty, so she often removes her shirt as well. She does still insist on her candy reward after using the potty, but I'm hoping we'll be able to let go of that over the next few weeks.

She went to a Parents Night Out program this Saturday and made it through the evening without a single accident. When we dropped her off, we took a minute to show her where the bathroom was and to remind her that if she needed to use the potty, she could just tell the teacher. It worked. The teacher said Claire used the potty like a pro all evening. I'm hoping we're on our way to a diaper-free home.

Aside from the potty training, I am also amazed by Claire's vocabulary. She is such a talker! She can use complete sentences, like "That's a great song on the radio." and "May I have more drink, please?" When she's trying to "practice her patience", she'll often say things like, "First we get dressed, then read a story." or "When we get home, I get a snack." What really makes me laugh, though, is to hear my toddler say the things she's heard me say over and over again. For instance, anytime something appears to be broken, she will say "Daddy fix it." I guess I do depend on Josh for his handyman services. :-) She also seems to be picking up on my safety rules. Earlier this week, we handed her a candy for using the potty and she held it up and said "Choking hazard!" Josh and I burst out laughing. For the record, it was not a choking hazard and she happily devoured the chocolate chip.

She also loves to sing and has memorized several songs, which she performs for us regularly. Some of her current favorites are "London Bridge", "Jesus Loves Me", "Row Your Boat", and the "ABCs". In fact, just yesterday, she sang the ABCs, gave herself a round of applause, and said "That's my favorite song!" She also loves any song about using the potty and washing her hands, which I love because it makes my job easier.

As far as her motor skills go, the most interesting (and welcome) new development is that she can now dress herself. She's been able to strip at will for months now, but getting the clothes back on has been somewhat of a production. In the last few weeks, however, she has been putting her clothes back on by herself. She can put on her pants and shirt (she can even get her arms into the holes). She does occasionally put them on backwards or inside out, but sometimes she recognizes her mistake and says "I need to turn it around." She hasn't quite mastered shoes, yet. She can get her feet in them, but needs my help to actually latch them. It's only a matter of time, though. I already see her playing with them and trying to figure it out.

Mostly, I am just amazed at how grown up she is. The baby in her is disappearing fast. When I look at her now, I see a little girl. Sometimes, I just gather her up in my arms and snuggle her close to me as though I could keep her small if I just hold her in a little bundle in my arms. But within seconds, she wiggles free and I watch her run off giggling. In those moments, I feel a tension of pride in her accomplishments and sadness at how quickly she makes them. Then I think, this is a feeling I should try to get used to. This is what it feels like to watch your babies grow up every day. 

Potty Training, Interrupted

We decided to take advantage of the long, holiday weekend to get serious about potty training. Claire has been interested in the potty for months. We have toddler seats on all the toilets and she regularly requests to use the potty. She'll sit there reading books, singing songs, and trying to make some potty magic, but, for the most part, her efforts have been fruitless. She has put a little in the potty twice, but it almost seemed accidental. She just can't seem to get comfortable enough on that big potty to let loose. Plus, she seems to like her privacy when she's doing her business, but giving her privacy in the bathroom usually results in (a) her unrolling all the toilet paper into the toilet (b) her getting the soap pump off the sink and pumping it onto the floor (c) her playing in the toilet. Since I do not find those bathroom habits particularly charming, I don't allow her to sit on the big potty in complete privacy. Overall, it seems the big potty's size, lack of privacy, and the general to-do associated with running to the potty, setting up the potty seat, climbing the stool, and feeling a little over-supervised is just too much for her little toddler nerves. She gets potty shy, waits until we put her diaper back on, and then does her business. So, we finally caved and took her to buy a little floor potty, which she (ironically) calls her "big girl potty". We also explained to her that every time she put pee-pee or poo-poo in any potty, we would give her an m&m. We brought the home on Friday evening and the first thing she did was pull off her pants and use her new potty. It seemed like the start of a great weekend!

Saturday, we let her run around the house naked all day and she used the potty like a pro. Only one accident the entire day. She even "held it" when we went out to dinner and made a quick run to Target in big girl panties. Sunday and Monday were great - not a single accident. It was so much easier than I had built it up to be in my head.

Then came Tuesday (today). It started off well enough. I decided to have her dressed today (she can't run around naked all the time!) We toured a preschool in the morning with no potty emergencies. When we got home, she used the potty a little, so I gave her an m&m. Then, I found her big girl panties on the floor, soaked. She had an accident. No big deal - one accident in 3 days is pretty good. I picked up the panties, threw them in the washer, and didn't think about it again, until... THE POOP BEGAN.

While I was cooking dinner, Claire had disappeared into her playroom (the potty is in a secluded corner of the room). I thought she was just playing until I heard her say, "I need a bath." Then, I smelled it. I looked down at her expecting a poop-covered toddler, but she was relatively clean except for a little on her dress. Where was the poop? I checked her potty only to find that she had lifted the "containment section" of the potty and attempted to carry it over to the trash can. Unfortunately, she wasn't strong enough to finish the journey before dumping the potty contents all over the floor. As an added bonus, the poop was, let's call it "lax". Mass clean-up and disinfecting of both child and floor ensued. Then, I went back to cooking dinner (amazing what my stomach can handle after 2 years of motherhood).

Within a few minutes, Claire returned to the kitchen saying she needed a wipe. This time, I looked down to find poop on her hand and one of her feet. I then followed her poop footprints to find diarrhea on my living room rug. Excellent.

So, our potty training has now been cut short by a stomach virus that has left my poor girl's bottom in a rather distressed state. She's going to stay in diapers until this passes. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that she'll pick up right where we left off once this virus runs its course.