A few weeks ago, I was feeling exhausted, sleeping terribly, and everything tasted weird. Then, I cried when my new oven didn't fit perfectly into my kitchen. So, I thought it was time to take a pregnancy test (we had been trying, so I knew it was a possibility). The test was positive and we were ecstatic. I was exactly 4 weeks along.
Three days later, I woke up and all the symptoms were gone. I knew immediately that this pregnancy would not end with a baby. I waited two days to be sure the symptoms were really gone, then I called the doctor. She did some blood tests and said my progesterone levels were borderline. Progesterone is a "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" kind of hormone. Low progesterone can cause miscarriage, but miscarriage also lowers progesterone. My HCG levels were rising (though not as high as they should be), so my doctor put me on progesterone supplements just in case it was causing problems rather than it being just a symptom of impending miscarriage. We scheduled an ultrasound for 6 week.
At the ultrasound, they found a gestational sac measuring 4 weeks, 2 days (exactly the time when my symptoms disappeared). There was no baby and no heartbeat visible. To me, that was confirmation of what I already knew. But the doctor said that it was possible my dates were just off (maybe I was only 4 weeks along, not 6), so she wasn't ready to diagnose a miscarriage just yet. I knew the dates couldn't be that off - there's no way I could have had a positive pregnancy test only 2 days after conception. Still, she said she would take more blood, but probably wouldn't officially diagnose me until the 8 week ultrasound. Two more weeks in limbo sounded like torture for me, so I prayed for a decisive answer from the blood tests.
It came. My first blood test this week showed that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels took 9 days to double (it should only take 2-3 days). My doctor was still not ready to confirm a miscarriage, so she took another blood test two days later. This time, my levels dropped. That made it official, and the miscarriage diagnosis was issued. Honestly, it just felt like a relief to have a decisive answer. I had no desire to wait two more weeks for the bad news I already knew was coming. My first miscarriage dragged on for weeks and I didn't want to re-visit that experience.
I'm amazed at how this miscarriage feels so different from my first one. My first one was devastating, earth-shattering, unbearable emotional pain. This time, I feel sad and disappointed, but my world isn't crashing down around me. Maybe it's because I didn't really have time to get attached to the pregnancy before I knew it was going to end. Maybe it's because I already have a beautiful little girl to love and tickle and focus all my energy on. Or maybe it's because I lived this story before and I know how it ends - you move forward, you try again, and you (hopefully) get a precious baby who is exactly the perfect child for you to parent. You can't even imagine life without them and every hardship you overcame to get that baby feels like nothing compared to the joy and love you feel when you hold your child.
I don't mean to sound unfeeling about this miscarriage. I really am sad that we have lost another baby, but I know I can't control this. I know I don't want to fall into the dark place I was in after the last miscarriage. All I can do is walk forward and hope this is all over quickly so that we can move on to happier times.
Really, this miscarriage just feels like part of the journey toward the family I'm supposed to have, and I'm just trying to trust God with this right now. Maybe I'll feel differently when I experience the actual, physical loss of the pregnancy, but I hope I will keep this sense of peace and faith in God's future blessings for us.
At the ultrasound, they found a gestational sac measuring 4 weeks, 2 days (exactly the time when my symptoms disappeared). There was no baby and no heartbeat visible. To me, that was confirmation of what I already knew. But the doctor said that it was possible my dates were just off (maybe I was only 4 weeks along, not 6), so she wasn't ready to diagnose a miscarriage just yet. I knew the dates couldn't be that off - there's no way I could have had a positive pregnancy test only 2 days after conception. Still, she said she would take more blood, but probably wouldn't officially diagnose me until the 8 week ultrasound. Two more weeks in limbo sounded like torture for me, so I prayed for a decisive answer from the blood tests.
It came. My first blood test this week showed that my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels took 9 days to double (it should only take 2-3 days). My doctor was still not ready to confirm a miscarriage, so she took another blood test two days later. This time, my levels dropped. That made it official, and the miscarriage diagnosis was issued. Honestly, it just felt like a relief to have a decisive answer. I had no desire to wait two more weeks for the bad news I already knew was coming. My first miscarriage dragged on for weeks and I didn't want to re-visit that experience.
I'm amazed at how this miscarriage feels so different from my first one. My first one was devastating, earth-shattering, unbearable emotional pain. This time, I feel sad and disappointed, but my world isn't crashing down around me. Maybe it's because I didn't really have time to get attached to the pregnancy before I knew it was going to end. Maybe it's because I already have a beautiful little girl to love and tickle and focus all my energy on. Or maybe it's because I lived this story before and I know how it ends - you move forward, you try again, and you (hopefully) get a precious baby who is exactly the perfect child for you to parent. You can't even imagine life without them and every hardship you overcame to get that baby feels like nothing compared to the joy and love you feel when you hold your child.
I don't mean to sound unfeeling about this miscarriage. I really am sad that we have lost another baby, but I know I can't control this. I know I don't want to fall into the dark place I was in after the last miscarriage. All I can do is walk forward and hope this is all over quickly so that we can move on to happier times.
Really, this miscarriage just feels like part of the journey toward the family I'm supposed to have, and I'm just trying to trust God with this right now. Maybe I'll feel differently when I experience the actual, physical loss of the pregnancy, but I hope I will keep this sense of peace and faith in God's future blessings for us.
It sounds to me like you are in a very healthy place, mentally. Even so, I'm sorry you're going through another miscarriage.
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