We've been in a sort of pregnancy limbo the last two weeks - getting good test results then not so good ones, feeling pregnant sometimes and not pregnant other times. We were waiting for more test results today after a discouraging ultrasound yesterday. But this morning, I woke up and told Josh, "I don't I feel like today's headline is going to be We're Having Another Miscarriage." I was wrong.
I've had way too much practice telling people this, but we're having (another) miscarriage. I was six weeks along, and just got the news that it's another blighted ovum.
Really?!? Another one?!? It almost doesn't seem real right now. I never thought we would be the couple with fertility problems. We're young, we have a reasonably healthy lifestyle, and no family history of serious genetic disorders. How is this happening? I am heartbroken and so scared of what this third loss means.
Will we be able to have another child on our own? A blighted ovum usually means there is genetic material missing. Maybe all my remaining eggs are missing the genetic material necessary for a healthy pregnancy. Can't cure that. Or what if I have some serious medical problem that's causing me to lose these pregnancies. I just heard about some famous woman who was having infertility issues and it turned out she has cancer. Is that going to be me?
Logically, I know that those are worst-case scenarios and it's far more likely that there is a treatable issue here or possibly no issue at all, just bad luck. I know I shouldn't let myself think the worst right now. I'm trying to be positive, but the statistics aren't very encouraging. I was just reading about recurrent miscarriage. One prior miscarriage gives you about a 20% risk of another miscarriage (pretty much the same as a woman with no history of miscarriage). Two prior miscarriages gives you about a 28% risk of another miscarriage, which is a little higher. But three miscarriages? That raises your risk of another miscarriage to 43%. So, my odds of a successful pregnancy next time around are now only a little better than 50/50. Great. Flip a coin and predict whether or not I'll have a baby next time.
I know I probably sound a little angry right now (it's one of the stages of grief, right?), but I am trying to stay mostly positive. I'm trying to think of all the fun things I can do while we wait to try again - eat a medium rare steak, drink a gingerbread latte, dye my hair, wear skinny jeans. Those things are all fun, but my heart knows I would rather be pregnant right now than have any of that.
Truthfully, I know I am blessed because we have already been given a beautiful little girl. I am so thankful for her. She is such a smart, healthy, and happy toddler. And I'm certainly hugging her a little bit tighter these days.
The thing is, I really don't want her to be an only child for too long. I was an only child for 12 years and I always wished for a sibling growing up. When I finally got a baby brother (Jonathan, you rock), I was so happy. But we were so far apart in age that I was leaving for college when he started kindergarten. So I feel like we missed out on a lot of the sibling experience you get when you grow up together, close in age. I always wished we had more time together before I left home, and I really want Claire to have that time with her siblings.
I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow. She wants to run some tests and I'm hoping we find something minor and treatable. I used to think the miscarriages were a fluke. I don't want to find out that the real fluke was my ever having a healthy pregnancy.
Please pray for us. I know God's here. I know I have to trust Him. We just need prayers.
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